Three Months

The twenty-fifth, three months ago, was a much different night. Breathless agony. Helpless tears. Wracking sobs. No sleep, not really. Just snatches, dragging awake to relentless bewildered desperate heartbreak.

Three months later, it looks different. Better. Easier. Horrible, still, but a sense of equilibrium mostly restored. As long as I don't look too closely or too long at my inner world.

This day was pretty good, partly because that's how I determined it would be, for my own sake.


I just wanted to get through this day in a fairly healthy way. To do so, I avoided prodding the wound with any sharp sticks. For example, I did not go to the storage unit today, to start going through Michael's things.

My day was comfortably filled, but not overfilled, with positive appointments.

I went to physical therapy this morning (my shoulder. long story). This was not comfortable, but very good, partly because my physical therapist Melanie is a lovely human being and I truly enjoy working with her. A little later, I joined a dear friend for Bible Study, and it was just right and spoke words of life to where my heart lives now. The gaps of my day were filled with ordinary things- tending to the dogs, eating, reading, working on the continuing task of bringing order to the lingering chaos of moving. This evening, when I passed the true three-month mark, the exact time the somber officer knocked on our door, I was at Tuesday Prayer with the same dear friend from earlier in the afternoon. Such a blessing, to be in the presence of love and kindness, sharing our hearts, talking of needs and blessings, so that that moment slipped by unmarked.

Mercy. Love. Kindness. Having these things gently in my day soothed peace into my heart and mind.

Not that I don't still walk in deep, bone-deep pain, three months later...but that I shaped this tender day to ease me past the mile-mark; to not cause fresh injury to the still-open wound of his loss.

God is good, so very good. He continues to softly love me, wisely help me, and strongly carry me through the deep waters. I am blessed by wonderful, kind, wise, loving friends who also help me walk this hard, hard road. I am blessed by a family who loves, who make this painful journey together, hand in hand, with gentle consideration.

In the midst of unbearable loss, I am deeply, greatly blessed in ways that help me to bear it after all.

I am grateful.