More signs that I missed

I am still smiling gently to myself over how many blatant signs I missed in the past couple of weeks; signs that something was amiss in my inner world. Along with what I wrote in my previous post ("When I don't even realize I'm struggling"), here are a few more things I've noticed.

~ For days, maybe even a week or two, I have spent most days sitting inside, with the shades down. Hint- hunkering down in a dark cave is an almost ridiculously obvious sign of depression!

~ Most of those days in the cave have been spent face-down in the internet, mostly watching hours of YouTube videos.  Hint- losing myself in the cyber-world for hours (days!) on end, and doing very little in the real world? Classic sign of depression/running from my own thoughts & feelings. Other hint- often, when my thoughts, feelings or inner burdens are too much for me, I run from them until I feel better able to face them. Usually this looks like binge-reading. My supply of books is limited (one unfortunate aspect of tiny-home vagabond life), so I have been turning to the internet instead. This, to me, is not always a bad thing. Being able to escape from what feels overwhelming can just be a welcome respite, filling my mind with benign input rather than painful or exhausting thoughts...as long as it doesn't last too long and take over my life. :)

~ There are several unanswered emails, letters and text messages from dear, wonderful friends. I have read all of them, smiled over them, been truly blessed by them, been concerned and prayed over them... but I just have not had the emotional energy to answer them. Now that the clouds are starting to ease from my inner world, I hope to begin working on that backlog. Hint- if responding to messages from people you love feels like an impossible task, you just might be depressed! (And/or carrying an impossible emotional burden, like the sudden, tragic death of a child.) For me, this inability to respond can be a sign of depression, or a sign that the weight of our loss is pressing me down, which are very similar conditions. The response paralysis is understandable, given the long, hard journey that is my current life...but also an indicator that the waves are winning and I need to find a way to breathe.

~ I made our bed yesterday morning and suddenly realized that I could not remember the last time I'd done that. Now, whether or not you make your bed each day is not inherently a depression-marker. That is a simple matter of personal preference. If, however, you are someone who really prefers crawling into a neatly made bed each night and who likes beginning each day by creating that little corner of orderliness, and who takes pleasant satisfaction in the sight,  and suddenly the bed lies tumbled day after day after week, that is something to notice. (Hint, Hint)

~Something less specific, but also noticeable: many things just seem more possible all of a sudden. Like...washing the dishes, taking the dogs for a walk, making dinner. When everything just feels hard and like it's just too much....you might be depressed. :) As I emerge from the fog a little more each day, this becomes more clear to me. It is becoming easier for me to do these daily things, without a huge amount of effort, without mini-drama, without feeling that I am draaaagging myself through the task. Things just feel...possible. And with this, each day our little living space becomes slightly less messy and a touch more bearable.

And now, I think I will open the blinds! :)  I will let in the light, and I will turn on some pleasant music. I will walk over to the laundry house and see if I can put in a load or two to wash. We did a lot of laundry this weekend, but I still have a few loads to do. I will eat a good breakfast, and read my devotional book and my Bible while I do so. I will pull out my prayer journal and lift up those people and issues so close to my heart. I may even stretch my tight muscles and take a nice warm shower. I will put on comfy clothes that make me feel happy. Maybe I will choose a few more things in our living space and put them where they belong. Little steps, but all moving in the better direction.

I so appreciate every single one of you dear people who read my words. This means so much to me. You are wonderful. <3  I have appreciated your responses to my last post, in which you shared your own tactics for pushing back the clouds. Thank you for that. <3  This is another thing that helps- putting my thoughts out there and knowing that others read them. The thought that what I write may help or encourage someone else means a great deal to me. <3

****When I talk about being depressed, it is what I think of as "small d" depression, the kind that is helped by simple changes in thoughts or environment. "Big D" Depression (clinical depression) is a whole different animal. Someone close to me describes it as waking every morning in a "gray wasteland." It is deep and very long-lasting. In a post from a few months ago ("How do I keep my kid alive?") I wrote about some things that have helped people I know who deal with Depression on that larger, deeper level. You really can't just think happy thoughts to solve it, or "boot-strap" your way out of Depression (or Anxiety Disorder). These things need deeper intervention. All of the things I talk about- opening the blinds, taking walks in the sunshine, listening to positive music- will also help those with the Big D, but they cannot fix it. They are good to do, and they can make a difference, but they are not the solution. Big D Depression is rooted in brain chemistry, and it needs to be addressed on a gut-deep level (literally as well as figuratively-again, see "How do I keep my kid alive?"). It can also be the result of trauma, which most certainly cannot be "solved" by just thinking happy thoughts! That needs the care of trained people who know their business, to address the deep scars of heavy wounds. (I have been hearing good things about EMDR therapy, from people who have experienced it.)****

Okay, I really felt that needed to be added- I never want to seem to trivialize the depth of other people's emotional experience and wanted to make clear the difference. <3 Now I really will make a start on the things I need, to help this be a better day. So much love and gratitude to every one who pauses to read my words. You are lovely humans. <3