A very few people have essentially (or actually) told me that I'm doing this wrong.
Of these few, 100% of their children are walking around alive. This is an important point.
A friend of mine lost an adult son a couple of years after we lost Michael. He left this earth in a different, but equally sudden and tragic way. She is also a mental health counselor. She knows a lot about healthy ways of handling emotions. Do you know what she does not do? She has never once told me, or even implied, that I am doing grief wrong.
Why is it that these other folks have tried to push me in a different direction?
It's because I'm still sad...because Michael's death still, daily, has an impact on me. Because I still think about it and talk about it. Because...his death still makes my life harder.
The reason for their words is rooted in their pain at seeing me suffer. They love me and they want so badly for me to not suffer so much. For them, and for others, their motivation is a deep desire to help. They want so badly to say something that will ease my suffering and make this not so heavy for me.
None of this is ill-intended.
These are all people who love me.
Their desire, I fully believe, is rooted in love and caring and a longing to somehow help me in this.
The problem?
No matter the depths of love and kindness that drive the words, the words still land hard and crosswise on my heart. I do my level best to respond with patience and grace, believing that the motivation is loving, and not wanting to hurt these people who matter to me. Still...their words hurt.
What should we all not do? Tell somehow whose heart is broken that they're bleeding the wrong way.
There is no "fix" for my pain. Michael is gone and nothing will bring him back. His absence is the cause of my pain, and nothing changes that.
Grief is not something to fix or to solve. Loss is an unyielding fact.
My continued sadness is not an indication that I'm doing something wrong. It is the most natural reaction to the loss of my child.
What prompted me to sit down and write this? A memory of someone- again, someone who loves me and deeply desires to help- suggesting that my use of words is somehow...an avoidance of really working through my feelings.The comments were well-intended. The problem?
I am a verbal processor. Words are the best and deepest way that I dig down to and wade through my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I talk, I write, I pray- all ways I use my words to understand my own heart. While it may be true that for some folks, talking about things can be an avoidance of doing something about them, for a verbal processor, words are the most direct and effective way of sorting, learning, and understanding. For someone whose mind and emotions work this way, words are doing something.
I know that because I am writing this and sharing it, there will be a few people who will (or who will badly want to) come to me privately and suggest that I shouldn't have. They will be concerned that my words will hurt someone's feelings or make them feel bad. They will want to remind me that everyone means well and is just doing their best.
May I just gently point out the irony of telling me I'm wrong for talking about how it hurts when people tell me I'm doing this wrong?
My opening up about something that has hurt me is not the problem. The hurtful words are the problem.
Why is it my job to protect people from the discomfort of knowing that their words have made my burden heavier and harder to bear? It's...okay for others to hurt me, but I'm not allowed to mind? It's okay for them to hurt me, but not for me to say, "That hurt?"
I am not writing this to be mean, to get revenge, or to shame or embarrass people.
So why am I writing it?
Because nothing will get better if we don't talk about the things that hurt us.
Because we all need to do better, at walking alongside the grieving.
Because people have asked me to share my experiences, so they can learn better ways.
Because before my own huge loss, I have also said all the wrong things to grieving people.
Now that I, sadly, know better, here is what I want to say:
Please, please oh please, stop telling, suggesting or implying that grieving people are doing grief wrong.
It doesn't help.
It really hurts.
It only adds to an already terribly heavy burden.
Grief is not a problem to be solved.
Expressing sadness is not a request for helpful solutions.
Maybe, instead of trying to fix or solve the grief, or advise the hurting person on how to hurt the right way, we could just...listen?
You don't have to have the right words in response to grief or the expression of grief.
There are no words that make it not sad and hard.
Words are not what is needed.
What is needed is compassion, grace, and room to just be sad without people trying to fix it.
Thank you for sharing this. Grief is something that they don’t teach. You do not know how you’ll react until it happens to you. AND everyone grieves at their own pace and way.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, no one should ever tell anyone how to feel or grieve differently. It is not their journey! And one should never hide their feelings…. They will come out later!
I am glad you are addressing these issues and helping the rest of us to understand how best to help others.
Sending you a Squeeze.
Love you. Mama Janet
So true, friend. Big hugs to you. <3
DeleteI understand what you're saying. I think it's a very complex issue . My sister and mother told me I was lucky that my son died ! Because my sister's son almost died in the same kind of situation.but he lived and has lived in a nursing home . Both hurt,but don't say that to a mother who's just lost her child .
ReplyDeleteYou're right. It is very complex, and so different for every person. I'm so sorry for your loss. Comparing hard things is rarely helpful. They're just different kinds of terrible. And yeah...maybe just don't say that to a mom whose heart is broken!
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