Not dumb...sad

 It's easy to feel dumb when you're grieving.

The first few days after my dad died on January 17th of this year, I had compassion on myself. I gave myself grace. I understood my blunders and held them tenderly. 

The day after he died, I lost something dear to me. A couple of years ago, my husband gave me a set of earbuds as a gift. They're beautiful; white and rose-gold, and I have loved them. They were exactly what I needed, though I hadn't thought to want such a thing. I have used them constantly and kept them carefully all this time, because they're perfect, and because that dear man saw a need in my life and filled it with something lovely. And then, suddenly, they were gone. Oh, I had the case for them, but it was bewilderingly empty. We hunted high and low, in every reasonable place, and some that weren't, to no avail. They were simply...gone. 

 

About a week later, I found one on our bedroom floor, oddly damaged. The only explanation I can think of is that it was somehow in the way of the bathroom's sliding door and got bashed...? The other one showed up a couple of days later, in the jumble of my husband's boots in the living room. ...Why?? We have no idea how either of them ended up where they did, especially the one among the boots. It's a pure mystery.

As sad as I was to have half of that dear gift damaged beyond use...I was kind to myself. I knew that my shell-shocked, freshly-daddyless self needed grace and I gave it generously. My sweetheart was also tremendously kind and compassionate over the loss. He had a new set of earbuds he'd gotten for himself and he just gave them to me, very kindly, and helped me keep searching. We both met my brain's floundering with love.

And then...I sort of forgot. 

It's amazing how quickly I forgot.

A few days ago, I made some dry, disparaging remark about people with simple minds, like me, and my husband looked at me and said, with direct, love-infused seriousness, "You are not simple-minded!"

Oh.  

Ohhh. Riiighhht. The grieving thing.

It had only been two weeks, at that point, since I lost my dearly loved, complicated, wonderful dad...and I had already forgotten to be gentle with myself. I had already, without realizing it, fallen into the habit of disparaging any fumbles in my inner world and believing the lie that I'm dumb.

I'm not dumb.

I'm sad.

I'm maybe a little bit in shock.

Because even when death is not a surprise, even if it can be called a mercy...it is still shocking to our hearts and souls.

Grief sort of numbs our minds and short-circuits the functions of our brains, and that is completely normal and absolutely to be expected. It won't last forever, but it may last for a while.

For a while, I'll experience times of this part-frozen, stutter-stepping or simply blank state of mind.

The most important people are, and will be, tenderly kind about it, and very understanding.

I want to give myself the same grace and care that they do.

I'm not dumb.

I'm sad.

I'm not dumb.

I'm sad.

I'm very, very sad.

And that's okay.