The Questions

People have many questions.

Sometimes, the questions bother me and sometimes they don't. I'm not always sure which it will be, or why.

The reasons people have for asking also vary. Some are just curious. Some have a voyeuristic thirst for details. (not cool!) Some have a subconscious feeling that if they can understand, maybe they can keep this from happening to someone they love. Some are just broken with us, and trying to make sense of this thing that makes no sense.

Some of the questions, I can and do answer.

Some of the questions, no person with a lick of compassion would even ask. Those I do not answer.


Of the ones I answer, the most common is- "Did you see it coming?"

No. No, we did not see this coming. We did not see any warning signs.

We talk about depression in this family, and I think that most of the time we do it pretty well. This is an open conversation, with no shaming. Of course, we long for all of our children to have a balanced and happy inner life, but in the end, we understand that it's not a simple issue.

But Michael was showing none of the classic signs of depression.

More than eight years ago, he was pretty far down. We walked through that with him.

This was different. For several years, he has been dramatically better. Happy. Working hard at a job that actually paid the bills. Working out every day, building his body into a tower of strength. Focusing on his health and fitness. Doing things that make him happy. The whole tone of his conversation had changed, with far fewer sarcastic comments.

Clear back in high school, I asked him one day, "Are you sarcastic and insulting because it amuses you, or do you just not realize how you come across?" He thought about it and said, "Probably about fifty-fifty." :)

That had changed. For the past couple of years, on the rare occasions when we got to all be together as a family, we have had really great, happy times together, with no sarcastic jabs. It was wonderful!

Some people have wondered if Michael was a loner.

That's the thing. He absolutely does not fit the profile of someone who would be "expected" to be suicidal.

He was living a positive, healthy life. He worked hard at his job and worked out at the gym every day. He focused on a healthy diet and a healthy mind-set. He had a girlfriend he really loved, and was making plans for the future. He had just gotten his passport and was enthusiastic about their plans for travel. He had a truly fantastic group of friends, who were genuinely like family to him. He even had a cat, so he was not alone even at home.

His cat suited him so well. This is not a sweet, cuddly little cat-friend. His name is Django. He is a black, shiny man-cat with green eyes and ready claws; very unpredictable. Michael liked that about him. He would have found a sweet, mild kitty very boring. When Michael ordered pizza, Django had to have his own piece. He is absolutely relentless in his pursuit of pizza. When Django puts his ears back in irritation, he looks just like Toothless the Night Fury from the movie How to Train Your Dragon! :) Michael and I had talked about how nice it is to just have a living creature that is happy to see you every time you walk in the door.

No, we did not see this coming.

I had spoken with him just the week before, on my husband's and my thirtieth anniversary. It was a great conversation, all about his creative ideas and plans for the future. Two of his oldest friends had just seen him and spent the evening together. They saw absolutely no hint that something was wrong. They would have some idea of what to look for, as one of them lost his dad to suicide just a few years ago. But there was nothing; not one thing that made them think, "Something seemed off, is he okay?"

There was no warning; no sign we saw that anything was wrong.

Another common question: What happened?

The answer is: We don't know. And, as my husband has said a number of times the past few weeks, we don't want to know.

We will never truly know what happened, in the space of a few days, to take our son from happy optimism to ending his life. It just makes no sense.

Many people, especially the people close to him, want to know; to understand what happened.

Some really want someone to blame for this horrible thing that has happened to someone we all loved so much.

I get that. I truly do.

But we just have a gut-level feeling that it won't help to dig for answers.

There is absolutely nothing we could learn that would make me say, "Oh, okay. I get it. This makes sense now." No. My son being dead will never be okay, and it will never make sense, no matter how much information I might have about the circumstances.

When people are hurting, I think they feel it would be a relief to get mad, and to pour that anger out onto someone. It would be a vent for the suffocating pain. But again, I just have this gut-deep feeling that it won't do any good. Turning on anyone, blaming them for what happened, will not make things better. It will only add more hurt, and will poison our hearts.

I think about what Michael would want; how he would want us to handle our great sadness, and pain, and bewilderment. I honestly, from my heart, believe that he would want us to just love each other; to just be kind to each other. I don't think he'd want to see the people who mattered most to him turning on each other with suspicion and blame.

Michael's death is an unspeakable, baffling mystery.
And it will just have to stay that way, as far as we are concerned.

Hunting for someone to blame will not help us heal.

That does not mean that we don't wrestle with anger. We do.  But we also see the destructive potential of letting that anger erupt onto another person. I think of the words from the Bible, "Be angry, but sin not." It's okay to feel angry. That's normal. We just really want to handle those natural feelings in a way that will not cause fresh harm, to us or to anyone else.

Other questions: Could it have been an accident? Could someone else have done this to him?

No.

There is no way this could have been an accident. I have no doubt about that.

I even toyed with the idea that someone might have done this to him, setting it up to look like suicide. Somehow, that would have made more sense to me. But no, there was no "foul play."

It is just an appalling mystery.

For some reason, he suddenly descended into a place of such pain that he was overwhelmed and took what he thought was the only way out; the only way to stop the pain. He had so many other options; so many people who would have loved him and listened and walked with him out of that dark place, but in that moment I guess he just did not see that.

So, there it is. Our quest is not for answers as to why and how this could have happened to our beautiful son. It happened. He's gone. Our aim now is to find a way to walk through this agony; to find a way to carry on that is healthy and good.

There are several Bible verses that have been very helpful to me/us.

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit."

I never knew that verse before. Now, it helps me breathe.

Isaiah 43:2a "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown."

Again, words that help me to breathe a little easier.

There is no magical answer to be learned from this terrible tragedy.

In every single relationship, there are always some ways we could have reached out a little more, and loved a little better. No matter what we see in hind-sight, that is still not an answer to the big "why."

In the end, suicide is a terrible choice that a person makes, when they feel like they have no other options or they're just exhausted and want the pain to end. We have such sadness and compassion for how deeply he must have been hurting.


If I have any takeaway for others from this nightmare, it would be this:

Be careful with the hearts of others. Even when setting boundaries or saying hard things, it is possible to do so with kindness and with care. Great vulnerability can hide behind apparent strength.

Don't waste time with the people you love.
Live now. Love now.  Say the words. Make the effort.

Make the time.