Because this is just not challenging enough...

By the grace of God and with the love, support, prayers, and help of so many, we made it through the service to honor Michael's life. Deep thanks to everyone who helped and who came, and who supported us from afar. <3 <3

It was a full, hard, wonderful weekend, with a gathering of family- some of whom we have not seen for many years. What a blessing that was, to be together with so many who love Michael. <3 What a blessing it was, to have Michael's friends and classmates and co-workers and just people who know our family, and others who have known the pain of deep and sudden loss, all come together to share that time with us, celebrating his life. What a blessing it was, knowing that a number of people had traveled a long way to be there. That meant so much to us! <3 <3

I confess, I have sometimes rolled my eyes at the term "Celebration of Life" as it seemed like a typically cutesy American euphemism for what is really happening. My feelings have changed abruptly. Yes, in a way this was a memorial service- a funeral- but it truly felt like a celebration of Michael's life; of who he was and the good memories so many of us have with him. If we had done the service right away, I could not have stomached calling it a "celebration," but because nearly two months had elapsed, this felt right. We truly gathered to celebrate his life. There were tears, but there was also joy and good memories and laughter, all of which were healing.

There had been stress and concern over whether we should move the service from our church, in case a great many people came to the service. Whenever I would think of doing that, though, I just felt sick to my stomach. For the peace of my heart, I needed to have the service at our little church; the home of our hearts. It worked out beautifully, to our great relief. Our pastor and our guys had worked hard to set up overflow seating, just in case, but in the end it was not needed. The church was full, but not crammed. Our pastor said that there were maybe three or four empty seats up in the balcony; otherwise, it was full. It felt just right- a full house to honor him, but nobody left standing or stuck outside.

Having made it through that hard, hard day did help my stress levels...for about a day...

...because this week, we are moving out of our home of twenty-three years!

Yes, because we don't have enough going on already. ;)

Actually, this is the carrying-through of a plan that has been in the works for almost a year. It just worked out that it is all happening at once, in the midst of this season of terrific loss.

The stress levels this past year were already high, as we talked through and planned for this tremendous life change. Then, Michael died. Stress levels went from almost unbearable to catastrophic. Truly, my stress levels are laughable. I am endeavoring to just trust Jesus, to let people help, and not to drown under the weigh of everything; to just do the next things, just take the next small step.

This is a huge life-change. My husband has retired from his job of twenty-three years (after thirty-five years total in his profession) and we are moving from the home where we raised our kids, and from the town that we love. It is very clear to us that this is the right thing for us...but that does not make it easy. We will be leaving our home, our wonderful church family and wonderfully supportive community. I will be leaving work that I truly love, teaching violin. It is especially hard as three of my former students, now adults, are wanting to have lessons again, along with my other students, who are so dear to me. I will be leaving areas of ministry in our church that I truly love- teaching in the Awana program, being on the worship team, and speaking from time to time about the persecution of Christians, raising awareness of their suffering and the need to support them in prayer. I love all of these avenues of teaching and ministry, and it is hard, hard to think of leaving them!! I will also be leaving a community of friends that is beautiful and wonderful; an extensive group of true "sisters of the heart" who have shared my life, helped raise our kids (so many "aunties!"), and walked with me through hard hard things and greatest joys. They have come alongside me these past two months in beautiful ways, to cry with me, pray for me and our family, and to help in so many, many ways. I will no longer get to be here, where I can see our son Josh several times a week, or pop over to see our girls, who live just six hours away. We will no longer be where we are just a day's drive from any of our parents, who are all close to or past eighty years of age. This is a cataclysmic level of change, especially in the midst of profound grief.

But, as I have told my husband a number of times this year, just because something is hard, that does not make it wrong. The right thing is often very, very hard. And this is hard.

It is also exciting. The hard road on the way to the good parts of this change will be very, very difficult, but there truly is good out there.

We are buying a pull-behind travel trailer- nothing extravagant, but comfortable, livable and sturdy. Lee will pick it up next Monday, after we move Anna's things into the house she'll share with several other girls this year.

The plan is to travel, with Lee working at different jobs. He is looking forward to doing some completely different things, after so many years in his career. We are both looking forward to seeing new country. Our travels may even enable us to see family and friends who live far away! I am excited about that. :) With my food issues, travel is usually cumbersome and difficult. This way, our kitchen will travel with us, which will make life just so much easier. Having few responsibilities and only a small space to care for will allow me to rest a great deal, which will hopefully bring an improvement with my adrenal and thyroid issues. I will also be able to write, which is very exciting for me, and which Lee is excited about, too.

I had worried so much about the empty nest and the impact it would have on me. As a full-time mom, the empty nest is like being forced into retirement after a long career. This is not an easy thing.

In actuality, it has been better than I expected. It really does leave more room for Lee and I to spend time together, as we're not consumed with parental responsibilities and kids' schedules. We deeply miss the kids, but also relish having evenings and Saturdays at home together- rather than being taken up with parent meetings and going to sports events. I dearly miss watching our kids doing what they love, running and jumping, kicking balls and throwing things...but free Saturdays are a true treat.

The richest surprise of the empty nest is that I started writing! Anna graduated, and about a month later, my brain started telling me stories that I just itched to write down! I have written the first draft of one book, and have begun a prequel and sequel to it, as well as starting two other books. The only problem has been that I cannot write to any great extent in the context of this life. I have only been able to do it if I am out of town away from family (which rarely happens), or by staying up all night (which my health cannot afford!). Trying to write during the day, with the interruptions of life, and my little ADD-ish brain, is purely stressful and not a joy.

This life of travel and rest will also allow me to write! This is one of the greatest excitements, to me, in this whole scheme. The leaving process is and will be so very, very hard, on so many levels...but out there, in that future where we've moved through all that hardness, is the excitement of writing; of honing and completing these stories that I love.

I will continue my blogs (this one, and the one on cooking and baking with food intolerances- https://sticks-and-twigs.blogspot.com/ ), and have thought about starting another, in order to share our travel adventures.

Writing blog posts has helped me a great deal since Michael's death, and I am so glad and thankful that you all are blessed by what I have written. That means so much to me.

So that is the state of our lives right now. We had a crew of friends here this morning, helping to sort and pack for our move in two days. Right now, we have taken a lunch break. I think I'll take a nap, before we start the afternoon shift of deciding and packing.

Thank you so much for joining me here, to walk with me on this terribly hard, curiously rewarding journey.

p.s. Just in case you're puzzled by this: <3 When I first saw those used, I was unsure what it meant and fear it might be something "naughty." Finally, I asked our kids, who laughed and explained that using < and 3 together makes <3  which is a heart, only sideways! :) I thought I'd explain, just in case anyone else wondered, as I did.