Things that helped...and some that hurt

It has been really interesting to me, to walk this road myself. Horrible, but also interesting.

I've read about grief, and people have different perspectives on it. I thought it might be good to share how it has been for me, and what I have found helpful.

I've heard/read others saying that sending flowers was useless and they hated them, or that if one more person said, "I'm sorry for your loss" that they might punch them. I guess those people felt that since these things could not bring the loved one back, they were pointless.

Let me just say, this was not how it felt to me. :)

For me, the words, "I'm so sorry" are helpful and comforting. So are things like, "We love you guys," and "We're praying for you." These are words that are real. And simple. My brain was stunned. It could not take in more than a couple of words from other people. If someone said more than simple, straightforward things, I could not even process it. And if anyone, in those first raw, raw days, had tried to philosophize about our staggering loss....that is when I might have felt like punching them. But nobody did. People only said real, heartfelt, simple, broken, loving words to us.

We had quite a collection of bouquets for a bit, and it meant a lot to us. They were a visible, tangible reminder of the many people who were loving us and praying for us and sharing in our great sadness.

Things that have been hard, but that also helped
-Going to see him at the funeral home. Absolutely brutal, but also necessary, for us, and truly helpful.
-Hearing his name, seeing his photo. Painful, but also good.
-Talking about him; saying his name.
-Writing his obituary. Oh, so hard, but something I deeply wanted to do for him, and to do to the very best of my ability- to honor his life with the best that is in me.
-Seeing it in print. Even though I am the one who wrote it, who spent a over a week working on it, fine-tuning it, choosing the picture...still so hard to actually see it in the paper. But also good in the sense that I felt proud of the job I had done.
-The unbelievable kindness of people. The outpouring of compassion and kindness and sympathy has been absolutely amazing...to the point of being overwhelming at times. This definitely helped but at times we just needed a break from all the kindness. Which felt odd. But real. In those early weeks, it helped to just get out of town for a couple of days, to run errands where no-one knew us, to not receive any compassion or sympathy, to just breathe. The precious gifts of compassion have also served another purpose, at least for me. When I've had to be "normal" too much, pushing it all aside so I can function and talk to humans and get things done, I get sort of closed off and shut down. That's when I need to read one of those wonderful cards, full of loving, beautiful words. They rip the walls down and flood into my heart, and help me to cry again, which is so necessary for healing.
-Choosing urns. (one large one and a couple of small ones, one of which will travel with Lee and I in the next chapter of our lives). I really thought that this one would fall onto the list below, but in a strange way, this actually was good...in...choosing something (thank you, Heather, for the help with that awful task!!!) that would honor him and represent him well. Learning in the process how to know you're getting the right size. (General rule: every ten pounds of living weight = about 1 cubic inch of ash) This was helpful to know, as Michael was 6'2" and a mountain of muscle! The way it was sort of good- feeling really good about the urn we chose, that what we chose makes sense and feels right. 

Things that are just hard, and necessary, that we just have to get through.
-Going to get all his belongings from storage. Just oh, so hard.
-Knowing we'll need to go through them, much sooner than I'd like. Just because it needs to be done.
-Seeing the names of our family, our kids listed...but no Michael. True, but very hard. (Please, if you are someone who has done this in a card, please please do not feel badly. It is the actual truth; it's just one of those hard realities that we face now. He's no longer here. Also, it has meant a lot to Heather, Josh and Anna, that the cards are to them as well; that their grief and loss is recognized and acknowledged. This is a good thing. A real thing. Just hard.)
-When we do go through his things, knowing that I will be seeing and handling gifts that we chose or made with love and anticipation...and having to decide what to do with them now. Painful.
-Picking up his death certificates. The fact that there is such a thing as a death certificate with the name of our beloved son on it. Having to deal with them, for practical reasons. Hatefully hard.
-Working through the list of accounts that have to be dealt with, paid up and closed. Having to have
   those conversations, to say the words, over and over. Hard.
**Note: every person should have at least one other person on their bank account, as this makes everything so much simpler when tragedy strikes!! With so much business and bill-paying conducted online, it can be a nightmare for those having to sort things out. Because I was still on his bank account, I was able to authorize putting a hold on the account. When the automatic payments stop rolling in, companies quickly start sending paper bills. This told us which places we needed to contact, so we can get things taken care of. We were able to do a mail-forwarding order, so his bills would come to us.

Things that have been good and helpful to me
-Flowers, cards, and text/Facebook messages of compassion and love. These have helped so much.
-Hugs. All of them.
-Friends who came and hugged us and cried with us. They helped us to shoulder the load.
-Friends who did not come by, wanting to give us space. Also, so needed.
 **both- those who came to the house and those who did not- each was the right and perfect choice.
-Our family who dropped everything and just came. They were such a help.
-Our family who could not come, or who chose not to, realizing that we had ample help.
 **again- both those who came and those who did not- each was the exact, right thing to do. <3 <3
-Those who brought food and drinks over. It helped so much, when we had family here, that they were just fed and nobody had to figure it out or shop or cook. Even if I was just wandering around eating carrot sticks, it gave me peace to see everyone else having dinner.
-Those who, knowing we have a lot of food issues, did not bring food. (also a good and loving choice)
-Those who gave us Safeway gift cards rather than bringing food- also helpful, with all of the sudden
   expenses, and now as Lee has retired and we are going through that financial adjustment. (For those who don't already know this- our small town only has one grocery store- Safeway)
**each of these was the right choice for each person to make; each was a blessing. <3
-Those who did all of our grocery shopping those first hard days. Such a mercy!
-Those who ran errands, even the most silly (Me: Sharon, I just need a bottle of my allergy eye drops.) She went to the store and bought them for me. (Also me: Teresa, I just found out that Safeway has peach sorbet. *big shiny eyes*) She went to the store, just to get peach sorbet for me. <3 (p.s. I have more than one friend named Teresa, as well as Kelly, Kellie, Kelly, and Kelley. The sorbet fetcher was another Teresa, not our pastor's wife. Confusing, I know) :)
-Those who brought us bags of paper plates, plastic silverware and cups, and paper napkins. Such a great help! Not having to wash dishes was such a burden lifted.
-The friend who washed the girls' cars- such a simple thing, but it blessed them. <3
-The friend who came over and washed dishes after my mom went home. :) :)
-The group of friends who have worked together to keep my flowerbeds watered, for the past month and a half, so the plants would not die!! So, so helpful. Watering is usually therapeutic to me, but it takes energy that I just have not had.
-The friends and family who made all of those hard, terribly hard calls, to pass the terrible news to other family and friends who needed to be told. I am profoundly, eternally grateful that Lee and I did not have to make all of those calls!!!
-The friends who fielded call after call, from those who love us and just wanted to know how we were doing. Honestly, our phone hardly rang at all, those first two weeks. That was an incredible mercy. To every one of you who called someone else to ask how we were doing, thank you. To the friends who took all those calls, my undying gratitude. They were grieving too, and those many conversations were not easy. This was a great act of love and mercy.
-Our pastor and his wife, Ray and Teresa, who came that first horrible night, as soon as the police called them. They did not say a word; just came into the living room where Lee, Heather and I were breaking hard, pulled up chairs and cried with us. What love. They just sat with us, and grieved like family. Their hearts broke with ours. That was so perfect, and so good, and so real.  And then he made the call to the leadership where Anna is this summer, to give them the news, so they could let her know what had happened. Josh was here with us within an hour or two, Anna by the next day. For the next week or two, Pastor Ray made every hard call that needed to be made- to the funeral home and to the detective who handled our son's death. He was like a loving, steady wall, standing between us and the world while we grappled with our loss and pain.
-The friends who drove through that first hard night, and the leaders who drove to meet them, to get Anna here as quickly as possible. They had her home to us, along with her dear boyfriend, by three the next morning.
-The leadership there, who brought in Anna and her boyfriend Zach, and gave them the horrible news privately, and surrounded them with compassion and love and prayer. It was so hard, her getting this worst news when she was far from home. It made a great difference, having such wonderful people supporting and helping her. This loss has been terrible for Zach, who really liked Michael and "clicked" with him right away, and for Heather's husband Nick- he really loves our family (and we love him!). The devastation is deep and very wide-spread. All of our family is shattered, and droves of people are heartbroken, for our sake and their own, over the loss of Michael. He touched so many lives.  
-The officer who came to tell us the horrible news, and the detective on-site- who showed us great compassion and humanity in such a terrible situation. What a difficult job they have!!! They carried it out in a way that helped us. Also, the property manager of the apartments where Michael lived- again, such simple human kindness and compassion. This helped so much.
-Something that might seem odd to others, but was the right thing for me: memorial jewelry. I now have three necklaces and a bracelet, each of which holds a small bit of Michael's ashes. (On Amazon, they were not at all expensive, so I was able to get more than one) As a mom, it is agony to let go of that child that I have carried and held and loved for twenty-seven years. For me, it was right and comforting to do this, so that when I want to, I can just have a bit of him with me. The bracelet is for something specific: any time Lee and I are going to go do something that I would have been excited to tell Michael about, I will wear the bracelet and take him along. I learned quickly that it is pretty weird for people if I tell them that my necklace contains our son's ashes, so I'll just wear them quietly, when my heart needs the comfort of having him close.
-Wearing mourning. I know it's not so much a thing nowadays, but it served an important purpose. When those in mourning wore black, everyone knew to just be extra gentle with them. This was a good thing. My clothes are quite often a reflection of my inner climate. For me, to wear a form of mourning- dark clothes, black-accented jewelry, felt really right, those first few weeks. It was an outward expression of my deep inner grief. I ordered three sets of small, black cross earrings. I wasn't sure if the girls would want them, but they both did. We just quietly started wearing them. Some people noticed and some didn't. That was not the important thing. It was just the right thing for us, for our hearts, to wear that quiet symbol of our sadness.
-Tree therapy- getting out for a walk or gentle hike in the woods. Just being among natural things, smelling the fragrance of pines, especially, heals my heart and mind. <3 The friends and family who made that possible. One of the best things- after that first excruciating week, Lee and the kids and I just went to the woods on Sunday afternoon. We all spread out and just breathed. We didn't talk. We took the dogs along- they were ecstatic. I just laid on a blanket with a hat over my face for probably forty minutes, and listened to the breeze and the quiet, and smelled the fragrant air. The sky was blue, and the sunshine warm; there were wildflowers in abundance, birds talking quietly amongst themselves, and butterflies. It was perfect; so restful and so healing.

I know there are more things that have helped, but my poor brain is tired and wants to be done. As you can see, the list of things that have helped far outweighs the list of things that were just hard. So much kindness and so many mercies.