Cutting the anchor chain on ideas that just don't work

I heard something so important this evening, while listening to something that my sister had shared on Facebook. It was an episode of "On Being," an interview with Pauline Ross (who writes and speaks on the subject of ambiguous grief.)

Here is the link: https://onbeing.org/series/podcast/?fbclid=IwAR0zHF0EyDy_LB0pc3F6JGwkW8fhwpBthwtVW1I9_xbpUY1hoIDJw-pqULw

(I don't know how to make a link actually work in this format, so you'll need to copy-paste it into the...task bar? on your browser. Sorry- someday I'll be more fancy and know how to do the things) :)

Okay, I heard two very important things.

One: "Closure" is not a word to apply to loss within a human relationship.

Thank you!

As she said, closure is a good thing, if you're speaking about a real estate deal.

But when you are experiencing the loss of relationship, whether through death or divorce or dementia or some other means....closure is not a word that should even be used.

I feel that in my bones.

In our society, we like tidy endings. We like for things to be solved, to be accomplished; for people to "get over" things and move on.

Closure implies that something is finished.

I will never be over the death of our son. I will never be finished with missing him and grieving his death. It will never be somehow okay that he is gone.

I am learning to live within the terrible truth of grief, but this is something that will never have an end. There is no closure. There is only learning how to live and move and breathe within the new reality.

Two: the Stages of Grief....those were never intended to apply to people who have experienced the death of a loved one!

Did you hear that?!!

They. Were. Never. Meant. To. Apply. To. The. Grief. Of. The. Survivors!!!

Those stages were defined for people who are adjusting to the reality of their own impending death!!

Wow. Thank you!

Everyone...every single human...who experiences loss and grief experiences it differently, in different ways, at different times. Some people never experience all of those "stages." Some experience them all jumbled up together.

And that is all okay.

Because that construct was never meant to apply to this journey!

There have only been a couple of people who have felt a need to instruct me on what I will feel in this process. "Oh, you'll get angry. You will." That just irritates me. It's partly the words, and partly the condescending, wiser-than-you tone that usually accompanies it. It's also partly that I just resent being told what to do/think/feel already, and especially now that I'm in the midst of horrible loss.

Not that I'm proud of that. I mean, being resentful is not a character trait to aim for. I've come far, by the grace of God, in that area, but the raw nerves of grief have thinned my tolerance.

I try to be gracious, even in those moments, partly because it is just better for my soul to not trash people, and partly because we are all just being the best versions of ourselves that we know to be and I hope people will extend the same grace to me when I have my own bad, awkward moments.

Back to my point:

It was such a relief, such an affirmation, to hear this very knowledgeable woman say that those tidy, linear stages were never meant for my journey. It is wild and chaotic and so very individual. This terrible loss cannot be pinned to a neat little checklist. There is no ticking off boxes. "Good. Anger. Did that. Moving on. What's next?" No. Just no. It does not work that way.

And I was so grateful to hear someone say that it was never meant to.